A letter to Infinity Ward

You sons of bitches are just the spawn of the very living devil you mother fuckers. I swear you’re a bunch of circle jerk baby killers. You slaughter them in their cribs and feast on their tender flesh. I’ll bet you even laugh at their mothers as you smear the blood all over your faces. You fascist shit suckers.

What the fuck made you think it would be a good idea to put a checkpoint RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF ENEMIES? Did you do it on purpose? Did you really feel it was necessary to force me to watch myself get gunned down over and over again and have to read some bullshit war quote every time?

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about here is the scenario. Call of Duty 2. Second mission of the second level. Veteran difficulty. I and my comrades (read: guys who run in front of my gun while I’m firing so I can be called a traitor and have to restart) have just liberated a station house in the middle of the train yard. As soon as I clear the top floor the enemy stages a counter attack. No problem! I just happen to be on the top floor with a sniper rifle. I’m happily picking off Krauts when suddenly I see checkpoint reached message in the top corner and about two seconds later I’m being shot in the back! I turn just in time to see four Germans who have ascended the staircase behind me pump me full of hot German lead.

So, first of all, WHERE IN THE HELL DID ALL MY GUYS GO?! Are they so fucktarded moron useless that they can’t hold a position for 60 fucking seconds? I don’t even see their bodies. They are just gone. Did they jump out? Did the Germans use a cloaking device and sneak past them? Did the thin third floor atmosphere cause them to pass out? And we just cleared the building! A building surround by open courtyard. So where did those soldiers even come from? Repel in from helicopters? Hide in a cardboard box?

So now every time I respawn I have about 3 seconds to turn around, throw a grenade and crouch behind a flimsy wooden table, shoot the guy who runs around the table, and then pick off any one else. I died about 40 or 50 times. Only twice did I… Wait I forgot one, I had to change weapons in those 3 seconds too because I got the fucking checkpoint holding a rifle instead of a machine gun and it only had ONE FUCKING ROUND LEFT! This means that I had to turn with the right stick, hit the b button to crouch, the right bumper to throw the grenade, and the y button to swap. Usually I died half way through the swap animation. As an aside, why is b crouch? Why isn’t it left stick down like many other games? That makes more sense since it’s movement oriented and frees up your right hand to do other stuff. Like STAY ALIVE. So anyway I managed to get past the initial 4 man onslaught only twice and when I did I found myself trapped on the top floor and when I moved over to the staircase I was immediately shot in the face buy the guy who was just waiting there with his gun pointed at the space where he knew my head would be. That wouldn’t have been such a bad challenge if I had a checkpoint right before THAT. Why couldn’t they have put it there? What did I even do to trigger that checkpoint? I all did was shoot a few guys, I wasn’t even moving! Did it trigger because some of the enemy made it to the building? That would be an example of BAD GAME DESIGN. You put a checkpoint somewhere safe. Somewhere the player can pause if he wants. Somewhere he is not going to get his head BLOWN OFF. You don’t put it right before the enemy kicks down my door, especially not while my BACK IS TURNED!

The checkpoint is designed so that the player doesn’t have to start the level all over again every time they die. This is a wonderful invention that some games don’t even have and for most of this game you do a good job with (this is especially important considering the difficulty level). All of that is ruined by this one experience. In this case the checkpoint did the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. I decided to just start the level over (I didn’t have much choice). As soon as I did I found that I no longer had the same weapons! Instead of the sniper rifle and machine gun I had from the previous mission I had a crappy iron sight rifle and a pistol. A fucking useless pistol! I guess you guys just had to have one more little laugh at my expense. Next time why don’t you just come to my house and stab me in the eye, it would be easier than making a game.

I Want the Chipper Chicken

I am very excited that in 9 days I will be able to afford Marvel vs. Capcom 2. It is coming to XBLA and PSN, presumably for less that the $80 it goes for on ebay. It would be really funny though if come the 29th it cost 6400 Microsoft Points.

I rented this game quite a few years ago. It was fun to play against others because of the extreme button-mashiness of it. Fighting games are great when everyone sucks. I spent the one player mode screaming hurtful things that I will probably have to answer for in the after life. The game is hard. Yet I still want to play it again. If nothing else I'd play it just to spend hours getting my ass kicked, grinding out points to spend on unlocking the 300-some characters. I really like unlocking things.

*It's not really 300, it's like 50 something. Still though, FIFTY SOMETHING.

A letter to Valve: Addendum

Addendum:

OK, I figured it out and it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be but you guys are still jerks.

PS:

I'm so glad that the AI in Left 4 Dead is better than the idiot followers in this game. I'm happy when they die because then they aren't in my FREAKING WAY.

A letter to Valve

TO: Valve level designers
RE: Second turret stand off at Nova Prospekt

Dear Valve,

FUCK YOU. You are a sadistic bunch of inflamed assholes and I want you to die. Thank you very much for giving me three auto turrets to aid me in my defense (and by defense I mean futile attempt to survive your hopeless death trap). It's too bad that they are completely worthless. It's too bad that the endless waves of heavily armed soldiers can just run up to them and push them over. It's too bad that if I try to put them up again I am defenseless while I fumble with your awkward controls trying to get them upright. It's too bad that my own weapon runs out of ammo ridiculously fast even though I've worked painstakingly through the past ten or so levels to conserve every bullet I could, and it's nice that you've given me some ammo and extra health laying around but it sucks that I have to hack through a crate to get to it wasting precious time. I'm sick of your god damned game and it's boring endless stupid "puzzles" and cheap deaths and stupid characters. I hate that I have to pick off a shit-ton of little spider things to get to some action and once I get to some action its impossibly hard bull shit. FUCKING GOD DAMMED BULLSHIT!!!!

Love
-The Player